They say that you teach best that which you need to learn most. So for today’s post I’m going to teach myself a lesson with the hope of increasing joy in my life- here it goes!
I’m holding on. Not sure why. Didn’t even know I was doing it! But I am. I’m holding onto fear that I will lose someone I love. I’m holding onto the idea that my friends will ditch me the second I step out of line. I’m holding onto fear that my house will get broken into, that I will fail at my job, that I won’t be good enough if I cry. I hold onto fear of falling apart, of not being able to take care of my family and friends, or becoming unable to be taken care of by others. These underlying currents seem barely existent when I actually look at my life. I LOVE my life! I’m truly the happiest I have ever been. Right now though, it has become extremely clear to me that now is the time to be ok with all of these insecurities whenever they float by. Its time to own up to my baggage!! Instead of trying to leave my baggage at the airport (that’s illegal), I’m going to change it into luggage that is pink and by Kate Spade! (That would be my version of making lemonade with lemons.- I tried!)
I’m certainly the way that I am right now because of a series of unfortunate events that occurred in my past. I’m not going to go into those things here- this blog is about being happy! (Get it? Happy Yogis)! What I will say is that those events created a storm cloud over my life for a number of years. At the time, I believed that the end goal was ridding myself of all those negative emotions. I believed that I could fight pain, abolish fear, and get rid of negative thoughts. In essence, I believed that I was in control. Now that I’m on the other side I am realizing that there is no normal! I’m extremely happy and grateful and blessed- but I’m holding on. I’m holding onto my belief that by holding onto my sanity, I won’t be insane! By holding back my sadness, I will be happy. By holding back my tears and appearing “normal” on the outside I will seem like anyone else on this earth who has yet to experience tragedy. What is that?? Why do I have to be so altogether all the time? This is Marin County after all and people don’t even always wear pants here. Don’t I deserve a little crazy? (ok I will admit that I did take up singing at the grocery store from time-to-time, just trying to fit in). As an AWESOME friend told me: What we resist, persists. Ahhhh yeah, there is the lesson!
In a period of a week here is what happened to me. Talk about being given a sign!!:
- Day 1: Up all night, unable to sleep because of fear of a break-in. Why am I being so paranoid???
- Day 2: HORRIBLE nightmares. I work up crying my eyes out! Ughh… soooo tired. (Soooo jealous that Garret’s nightmares are always about T-Rex, snakes, spiders, or in one case – a racoon. Gotta love the guy!)
- Day 3: Give a YL talk that exposes some of my not so great moments. Instantly fear that I won’t be loved.
- Day 4: Started reading the book “Willpower.” He talks about an experiment where participants were asked not to think about a white bear. This resulted in WAY more thoughts about white bears. Oh yeah. There it is.
- Day 5: Girls night with an amazingly, beautifully, blunt friend who tells me I need to give myself a break. True that. Also saw the movie “Five-year engagement” there are some gems in there (for example, don’t ever leave the bay area, especially not to move to Michigan)
- Day 6: Good ole life coaching sesh that confirms the same: Stop trying to BE SOMETHING and just allow myself to BE ME- crazy insecurities and all!
ALL RIGHT! I GET IT! So here I am with this post and all. Right here is where I am. This is me, this is it. I have insecurities. FINE. I might not be able to sleep after watching Once Upon a Time. OK. I maaaay cry over something ridiculously small for no apparent reason (Why would they put milk in that chocolate anyway!?) SO WHAT! I’m loved, by God, by my family, by my friends. I think that’s enough. If they are all cool with that. I can be too. Just watch me…
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ~John 16:33