My sister-in-law just became the first person I know to get pregnant. She’s having a baby! I am so excited for her and her husband that I can hardly stand it. I couldn’t sleep at all last night after I found out and I even managed to have a minor baby freak-out on my husband when we discovered the news. All in a days work.
Of course, once my happiness and joy subsided I instantly joined the freak-out team. I’m 28 years old and constantly tell my friends that if they are young and want kids they shouldn’t wait. Yet here I am, been with my man for 10 years, and baby-free. I always wanted it that way though so it was ok. I thought I would never have kids! But I also didn’t know I would feel so conflicted now that my husband’s sister has filled us with such joy for her and her budding family.
I suppose I’m a little backward in my thinking compared to most women. Whenever I’m around kids for longer than a couple hours my natural birth control kicks in reminding me to be careful next time I’m ovulating. The other side of the coin is that I really want to be pregnant. Is that odd? I want to know what it feels like to be part of creation. To feel a child growing in my belly, to go through the pains of labor, to experience the miracle of life. I want to know what it’s like to give birth in the comfort of my home surrounded by friends and family during a crucial life moment. But after that, I cannot for the life of me picture my life with children. I strongly dislike cartoons (even Pixar ones- I know it’s weird). Driving kids around sounds like the worst possible afternoon for me. I hate going to fairs, PTA meetings and children’s sports games. I don’t enjoy playing hide-and-seek. So I’ve always wondered if I lack the maternal instinct altogether. Of course, it could have been my birth control talking. Certainly now things are a bit different.
Not only that but my husband and I have radically different views on our hypothetical child situations. He’s pro-vaccine, I’m against. He’s pro-school, I want to unschool. He wants to give them the world, I want them to bring the world to themselves. There are things we agree on. We would read the bible every Sunday as a family, but wouldn’t take them to church. We would let them play outside all day and get muddy as all hell, but we would avoid sugar.
There’s also logistics. We live in a gorgeous one bedroom house and I’m never leaving it. We would have to build a room downstairs which is, while cool, a money issue. My husband travels quite a bit for work which would put me on kid duty (and I’m the sort that would absolutely need a break!). And it would also need to happen fairly soon judging by the way-too-much I know about the possibilities of pregnancies later in life. Of course if I did want children, I would want to be a young parent so either way it’s an issue.
A few moments after discovering the exciting news, my heart sunk in an “omg what if we miss out on this whole parenting thing” and it really hasn’t left me. What if we miss out on something great just because we didn’t know it was great? I know this part is common. A lot of couples have children because they worry they will regret it later if they don’t. But isn’t that a weird reason to want kids? Because of regret? Not only that but a regret we haven’t actually felt yet? I always thought it should come from more of an “I’ve always wanted to be a parent!” feeling. But maybe it doesn’t?
In the end, I feel it’s a decision I cannot make, at least not now. If it were up to my own mind, or my husbands, how could we possibly come to a conclusion on this story? Any children that come into our lives could only come from our hearts, or God’s. So if I do have a child it will probably be for one of two reasons: We meet a child that needs to be adopted and can’t say no. Or we decide to be a bit more lackadaisical in our birth control. I could see a moment in the not-so-distant future where we are more open to the possibilities of a new life, and start doing less in the way of stopping it.
For now though, I’m so blessed to get to become an auntie and I never knew how emotional this would feel until it happened. I can’t wait to meet the new addition to our family and to get to celebrate with my sister and brother-in-law. It’s such a beautiful thing, to create life, and I’m so excited for the joy in all of our hearts as we anticipate this new family member!
I knew that something was wrong with my health because I’d been seeing signs for weeks. My non-stop work ethic meant I was crazy tired at night. Then my breath turned a little worse for wear and my sweat started to lose its rosy edge (prime signs that my liver has had enough). Finally I had two anovulatory cycles in a row, meaning that my body didn’t ovulate at all. I skipped straight to my period without ever cycling. Uh-oh.
So I sat down with a hot water bottle and Christiane Northrup’s book Women’s Health, Women’s Wisdom, not a bad way to spend an evening. As I read through, a particular passage jumped out at me “A woman…may develop ovarian problems if she feels that she has no means of escape from her situation and that the outer world is preventing her from changing.” Goodness is that me? Sure is. For the past few months I have felt desperately resigned to my situation. I was telling myself that the reason I was so stuck, so drained, so completely run-ragged was because I was working two jobs. The reason why I never had a single moment for myself or my family, why my health suffered, was outside my control. For months I have felt that it was only temporary, that once things changed in my situation, once I could taper down my day job and work on Happy Yogis full-time I would be happy, healthy, and have time to take care of myself. Only then! I felt stuck.
Then last week, my wellness coach (yes wellness coaches have wellness coaches) asked me if the stress I was under would continue once my goals were reached. I said no at the time. I truly believed it was my situation that was causing my stress, I was powerless to it. There was nothing I could do to get my cycle savvy until something changed in my circumstances. That’s what I believed!
Finally, the theme continued when I was listening to my weekly HTB church podcast only to have him tell me straight out that when listening to God, be open to the message that keeps coming back to you. My walls tumbled. I’ve heard it over and over again. Not only that but I’ve SAID it over and over again, and yet I haven’t listened. I’ve been telling my clients: Take care of yourself first. Listen to your femininity, embrace your emotions and beliefs because they are a huge contributing factor to disease and hormonal imbalance. And here I was, hormonally imbalanced.
All this time I didn’t realize how my own beliefs were affecting my health. I realized that the circumstances I couldn’t change, I could change. And more than that, the goals I set for myself were aggressive and unfair to my body. I didn’t need to have my book out by April. I could easily have it out in May and not be under so much stress. In fact, in doing that I can dedicate a whole extra day in my schedule just for my own wellbeing. Why wasn’t I allowing myself that in the first place? Why was I putting such high demands on myself? Why did I feel so resigned to a position I myself was putting myself in?
The next day my prayers were answered when my boss at my day job straight out asked me what future I wanted to have with his company. Since the universe has been spinning me in this direction for a while I felt this was my moment. I asked for what I wanted and he gave it to me. Starting this week I am ditching the 9-5. I’ll be working as a part-time contractor for my day job on a very limited basis. I’ll have more time to devote to my wellness clients, and more time to devote to myself.
I’m not going to take the busy with me either. In fact, I’m giving it up! I was causing my busy, not my circumstances. As soon as I came to this realization, I healed. I ovulated last week for the first time in two months and felt like I gained a part of myself I’d been missing out on. I’m so excited for this change in roles and so in awe at how connected my body is to my beliefs.
What do you believe? How is that affecting your health?
A good friend of mine introduced me to an astrological phenomenon called Saturn Return and since then I have soaked up all kinds of hippie dippie literature on the topic. Whether or not you believe astrology and it’s affects on human beings, the general premise is this: Every time Saturn returns to the point in the sky where it was when you were born, you cross a major threshold and enter the next stage of your life. Personally I’m not sure how much it has to do with Saturn, but I do know that 99% of my clients are in their late twenties or early thirties (the age of the first return in your life). In fact, I’m 28 and last year I went through a major soul-searching crisis before I up and started this little business. Now I’m noticing the same phenomenon happening in my husband as he dreams and schemes about taking up mountain climbing and becoming a certified back-country guide! Most folks start feeling the effects of their return around age 27 with effects often lasting until age 32.Put simply- its your quarter life crisis! (Don’t worry the next one isn’t due until you are 50 something!)
The Effects of your First Saturn Return (Otherwise known as turning 30)
It’s pretty easy to see what’s going on, you aren’t a child anymore and it’s evident in your behavior. You start to go a little stir crazy, have doubts about your job, your dreams, your relationships and that path you’ve been so obediently following. Suddenly life takes a turn and you don’t know where to go anymore. If everything feels like chaos, you are probably standing in the early stages of your first Saturn Return. Don’t worry, it’s not just you. Not-so-coincidentally, 30 marks a spike in divorces, marriages, and major career changes. 30 is more than just a milestone, it’s a nice big reset button. A chance to reinvent yourself from the inside out.
How to Handle your Saturn Return
Let it be messy: At first it can be totally overwhelming. You might feel emotional, irrational, confused or doubting. You could experience illness, grey hair, fear, or even bankrupsy. Whatever you are experiencing chances are you feel unclear. The future is a big blank space full of question marks and confusion. You long to get out of the fog and find some clarity. Impatience for what’s next rules every waking thought. You feel like you are in a rut and just don’t know where to go from here. Embrace it! Sure it’s messy at first, but you can’t make art without throwing some paint around!
Start the soul searching: Use this time as a free-pass at a major life assessment. When is the last time you took a good hard look at your life and how you are living? Re-evaluate your job, your health, your man, your friendships, and the reason you get up and out of bed every morning. What is your drive, your passion, your purpose? Who do you want to be and why do you want to be that way? This is the perfect opportunity to cash in on some solid guidance- get a life coach, wellness coach, or a bestie who can give you some real-talk. Take care of the nagging symptoms first- lose the weight, get over that ex, make some friends- then start buckling down to get at the cause. Maybe it’s not just weight you have to loose, but the love you have to gain. Maybe it’s not the relationship that’s the problem but the attitude you need to change. Read, journal, pray, change, and dig your heels in deep. This is your chance!
Embrace the change: If you start having an inkling do do something bold, big, and completely different, take a chance and make it happen! You might need to move somewhere far away, start a business of your very own, quit your job to start designing couture doggie sweaters. Maybe there’s a promotion around the corner, new friends to make or leave behind, or a big adventure to go on. Lead a mission trip, backpack around South America, start a charity! If you hold off on taking those risks now you’ll only wind up unsatisfied and taking a drastic move later on. Take care of that antsy little craving for something new and exciting and make it work for you!
Get ready for the good stuff: The pains of childbirth always precede the miracle of a new baby and the same is true of your own journey. Embrace the mess and the unknown because right around the corner it’s going to get reeeeeeeal good! Once that mess of your late 20′s gets going, your 30′s will light a firecracker in your life. Vincent Van Gogh quit his pastor gig to be an artist at age 30, Martha Stuart was a stock broker before buying and renovating a farmhouse in her early 30′s changed her life. Julia Child worked in advertising as a copywriter until age 29 when she began working for the CIA, a job that would eventually take her to Paris where she would discover her love of cooking. Michael Jordan left basketball behind at age 30 to play baseball. Even Jesus was 30 when he left carpentry behind to begin his life-changing work.
Your Saturn Return will be totally unique to you. LOVE watching it unfold!!
Image Credit: Align your Chakras HereRead More
Hello fellow happy yogis! There are a few changes coming your way so I want to let you in on the news. Starting March 15th, I will be raising the rates of my Wellness Revolution from $250 to $278. It’s only a $28 dollar difference but it will greatly help me offset the cost of the beautiful planner all my participants will receive. In addition, I will be adding a few flourishes to the program by offering new packages to the mix! Here’s what’s coming up!
- $278 Start a Wellness Revolution. Includes 12 weekly wellness sessions, a copy of my planner, and access to my community forum.
- $668 Feel Ahhhmazing. Includes all the Wellness Revolution goodies plus three 50-minute phone sessions with yours truly and unlimited access to coaching via email for 6 months.
- $1058 Love your life! Includes all the Wellness Revolution goodies plus six 50-minute phone sessions with yours truly and unlimited access to coaching via email for 6 months.
Those that complete the program and want some extra TLC will have the option of purchasing one of two maintenance packages:
- $298 Let’s be Friends. Unlimited access to my coaching via email for 3 months
$398 Keep the Love. Three 50-minute sessions + unlimited access to my coaching via email for 3 months
If you are interested in participating in my Wellness Revolution- get it while it’s hot! You can still start your path to wellness for $250 if you purchase before March 15th! Don’t know if the program is right for you? Sign-up for a free consultation via phone or email.
Hope to talk to you soon!Read More
The season of Lent began last Wednesday. Appropriately it turns out since I was vacationing in Hawaii at the time and loving every second of it! I completely let go. Of EVERYTHING. I stopped caring about GMO’s and eating organic. I didn’t know or care if I was getting enough greens. I drank coffee in the mornings, enjoyed margaritas in the evenings and drank copious amounts of champagne throughout the week. I woke up when I wanted, didn’t bother to check my temperature (It’s a FAM thing), fell asleep when I wanted, and even napped a bit on a breezy beach. I read, I relaxed, and I realized that I have been a tight wad of stress in my life back home. It all goes back to that whole balance thing and it’s where that whole 80/20 rule comes into play. MOST of the time I eat healthy. MOST of the time I’m pretty good at moving my body, and MOST of the time I take my supplements and am religious about my meditation. That’s not what life is about. It is about enjoying, and that is absolutely more crucial than what you eat or how you sweat. If you aren’t enjoying life, you won’t be healthy. Simple as that. So yes, I took advantage of my week, but I came back with crystal clear skin, shiny hair, and even though I accidentally ingested buckets of butter (which I am allergic to) I didn’t have a single reaction. I came back happier, healthier, and with a few more freckles on my skin. This is living.
Lent is Here!
Thankfully, about halfway through my vacation I realized my life needed to stay this way. Also thankfully, halfway through my vacation Lent started. Perfect excuse! Lent is the period of 40 days leading up to Easter in which Christians can decide to do one amazing thing for themselves. Many have used the time to lose weight, quit sugar, do an alcohol fast, or hit the gym. But Lent isn’t about getting a better body. It isn’t about giving up your “sins.” Lent is about doing something that will greatly improve your relationship to the Divine. If something is hindering yourself from God, remove it. If you need to embrace a little extra love, do it. Personally, I need to remember that God is within me, and I forget that quite a bit. This business, my program, my yoga instruction, is how I serve God in others. But I forget SO DARN OFTEN that God is in me. So I sat down to a big Valentines day dinner with six of my closest friends and my favorite husband at enjoyed the heck out of fresh mahi-mahi and late night laughing with friends. Then I got probably 5 hours of sleep (darn roosters) and I didn’t care in the slightest. Oh yeah, and I feel LOADS healthier.
Extreme Self Care
That is what I need out of these 40 days. I need myself to be in good working order. Lord knows I can’t be a good Young Life leader if I’m not connected with my God. I can’t help women with their health if I myself am not healthy. I can’t even teach a good yoga class if I’m not going to yoga myself! Those three things are my purpose on this planet and I know it all starts with me! So this Lenten season, I promise to practice what I like to call extreme self care. I’m still going to eat healthy, I’m still going to work on my own emotional well being, but I realize that it takes more than that to be happy and healthy. The most important part of a woman’s well-being, whether physical, mental, or spiritual, is the pursuit of pleasure. Of enjoying life. Of feeling passion and loving the experience. Of living life to it’s very fullest and doing all the little things that make you scared half-to-death. Do what you need to do to be healthy, after that, just enjoy it!Read More
I have been a humongous stress ball these last couple of weeks and its easy to tell why. Lord knows I’m trying to take on the world! Yet some days I just don’t know how I do it. I fall into this cycle of self-doubt, of not believing I’m capable, or for that matter worthy, of the big sky I’m reaching for. I try, try, try, but then don’t see the result and it makes me start to worry that things just won’t work out the way I want them to. But here’s the deal- it’s not up to me anymore. At a certain point, I get all “tried” out and have to start “letting.” I’m a doer, a risk taker, a getting things DONE-er, and knowing that about myself means it’s OK if I give myself some slacking room. A day or two of self doubt aren’t going to destroy me. I don’t need to snap out of it or “have faith” because I know it’s only natural. It will pass. I do believe, 80% of the time, that I’m capable, that I will change the world, and that is totally enough. So I’m changing my thinking, right now, right here and I’m wrapping my head around a beautiful metaphor: Harvest is coming.
Plant the Seed
I’ve had this bet with myself this year to do one crazy thing that scares me each week. So far I’ve asked the Dalai Lama to write a post for my blog, submitted an article to MindBodyGreen, and asked Marin Parks if I could host a yoga series in our beautiful parks. Not all my crazy ideas will pan out certainly, but some of them will. They have to! And even if they don’t I’m releasing my need for them to. Once the seed is planted, there is nothing to do but wait. It’s completely out of my hands.
Let it Grow
If you are reading this post right now- I’ve already hunkered down into my waiting phase. I overachievered myself and wrote this post in advance. I scheduled it to come out today, Monday, a day that I have no communication with the outside world because I’m camping in the Hawaiian back country. Not too shabby!
I’m going to enjoy the heck out of this moment, this time away from social media, away from my own worry and self-doubt. I have planted the seeds but there is nothing to do from here except expect the bountiful harvest we all know is coming. I trust, I believe that the harvest will come so I’m taking a break from planting the seeds, if only for the briefest moment. I’m going to enjoy this calm and trust in what will come, trust that even when I lose faith in myself it’s OK.
Reap the Harvest
So I trust, even when I don’t see results right away. They will come, in fact they’ve already started to. Just today, right before I left for my vacation MindBodyGreen emailed to let me know they will be publishing my article this week (I can’t even tell you how amazed I am about this). Marin County parks agreed to my yoga series and I’ll be teaching at local parks throughout the summer months. As for the Dalai Lama, that has yet to be seen. No matter what happens though, I know it will be far better than I even believe possible. It already is! And I am sooooo stoked for the journey.Read More